I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
