So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
