True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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