In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
