mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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