Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
