I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
