my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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