Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
