Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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