I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
