Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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