Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
