i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
