I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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