id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
