Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
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Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
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