so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
