She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
