I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
