you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
