me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
