it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
