I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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