yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
