I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
