dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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