mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
