haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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