thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
