It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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