What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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