just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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