Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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