shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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