bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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