He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
