how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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