You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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