I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
