Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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