can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
