Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
