Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
