Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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