I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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