I have demons in me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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