I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
