I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
