Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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