Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
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