the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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