just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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