Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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