He had one of those small greek statue penises
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
