Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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