you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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