I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
