Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
