I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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